Motherhood and work ethics

Rewind to year 2002. A team mate - a very social and outgoing person - was pregnant with her first child. She made the announcement while going through what seemed like a tough first trimester. With an understanding manager who didn’t insist on her turning up for work at 9:00 a.m. for the status meetings, she reported late most days while coping with her morning sickness. And she got back home early evening after staying at work for 4-5 hours a good part of which was spent in munching healthy foods on the desk and sharing it with her colleagues. So long the work got done no one really bothered and the rest of us were happy to help her out just as we did with others going through rough patches. Wondering how unprofessional? Well, for one not being professional at all times get work done and two - we had built that bond after staying through thick and thin in the same project for over a year and half. All seemed well until things started turning sour. Soon, this pregnant lady was observed being taking advantage of her manager and nice colleagues. Reporting to work late even when well was now a habit and encouraging others (two other women in the team got pregnant eventually) to do so was rubbing off the wrong way demoralizing the remainder of the team who had to put in long hours to complete the work of these women. The initially nice to-be-mommydom was beginning to affect the productivity of the rest when in the most serious of moment would pop an apple out of a drawer or the to-be-mommies would insist on dragging the rest of us down to the canteen. Read more

Six years of togetherness

It’s not our anniversary though it’s coming up in a few weeks’ time. Today is the sixth wedding anniversary of the dimply-giggly one from the gang of girls. A fellow Aquarean, she led the 2002 marriage pack leaving many wondering if we married too early. Married to a fellow college-mate the couple make an enviable pair! (This is not a riddle.. stop guessing who it is)

I sat sipping my evening cuppa and was left wondering how quickly six years pass by. I know we say that every year…six…it’s not one of those whole numbers like five, 25 that deserves a jubilee but nevertheless it’s a celebration for having made it through every year. Marriage brings with it responsibilities (whether you like it or not), commitments and makes you a juggler for life. It brings with it moments when you’re left wondering how you’d never seen this shade of your spouse all these years. We (’02 pack) married too early..when the peer group was busy charting out career plans, further education, better dating ideas, exotic vacations etc etc and had no room in their lives for permanency - leave alone having and expanding the family. True but it’s incredible that we have embraced it and sailed it equally well.

So…this is to the wise jugglers who seem to have their priorities right - education, good job, house, better job, more education ..in the same order and keep the “happily married” part together! Wish you guys many more years of togetherness!

Cradled in luxury

The mercury is rising in Pune and it gets worse in the evenings leaving one completely drained and thirsty all the time. Recently on one of our routine evening walks when I could walk no further, I stopped by at a local grocer’s to grab a cold drink - my choice being Amul’s flavored milk. As I made my exit in came a little girl who couldn’t have been more than 7 years old and said, “Uncle, can Pepsi chahiye!” Mind you, it’s not just Pepsi anymore..it’s Can Pepsi. In yet another incident, a neighbor’s daughter in her 8th std. prefers walking to school about 2 Kms away in this sweltering heat instead of riding her bicycle - as a mark of protest for not being given a two-wheeler to drive. Parents anticipate demands for a cell phone coming soon. Contrary to most parents, the girl’s parents are stubborn too and let her walk deciding not to cave in so easily.

Choices of this generation are changing fast. For one, they are aware of what’s available and understand the ways and means to get it. They are more comfortable dealing with money. And parents are more comfortable handing them money. Until I was 17 years old, all I had in my school bag was a 5 Re. note to deal with an emergency which most likely was my cycle tyre getting punctured. Which never happened on the way in the two years I rode my cycle to school. Which also means that I never got to use that Re. 5 mote and duly handed it over to my mother on the last day of my school. One need not expect that of this generation. According to a report in Reuters, you can make your kids financially savvy by actively involving them in monthly budgets and letting them deal with a little money early on. Exposure to how you as parents earn, wisely spend and invest will go a long way in them not making extravagant demands. So says the study.
Not too old as compared to these kids but I already feel much older to sense what has been called the generation gap for ages. To step into their shoes and bond with them is not going to be easy. It doesn’t stop with heir food choices. That’s just the beginning. It extends into all other aspects of their lifestyle - clothing for instance. I am at times shocked by their knowledge of the fashion scene and what was hot in the Lakme Fashion Week to which model is touting which cuts and fabric from which designer. And am I shocked to see 15 year old girls coming into salons to get their hair highlighted, eyebrows done and pedicure. All this from girls in their teens? Oh and wait - there was also this ad recently about a gym opening up exclusively for kids. Seems like the most happening thing where in kids can chill out with their buddies at the gym and work out too. Excuse me since when did they stop hitting the playground every evening for an hour. As kids, the days seemed incomplete if we didn’t return home every evening from the park and mom yelling for entering with mud filled shoes. With huge disposable incomes and indulging parents, getting the designer wear or a trip to the spa is not tough for these not-so-elite kids. With the exposure they get from TV and friends alike, they are also wearing it. No wonder Businessworld reported a story titled “Young Luxe” on how luxury brand such as Gucci and Lacoste are finding huge takers in India.

As Lil’ General grows up, it’s going to take a huge makeover of my attitude to begin with.

How husbands keep their wives busy?

I did not say that ..Times of India did. Correction - actually a study by University of Michigan says from their ongoing survey of 8000 U.S families that husbands are instrumental in keeping their wives on toes by adding all the extra chores around the house. All you voluntarily unmarried single women have one more reason to keep your status. The study has gone a step further to claim that “A wife saves men from about an hour of housework a week.”

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News that sells…

If you are a parent who stays abreast of the news, then you can skip reading this post. This is for mothers like me who get to know what’s going on around the world a day later and sometimes never until someone calls…sometimes family calls me to keep me informed if it’s either going to affect my life or my dear ones in any way such as the one today.

Dad and my aunt were apparently trying to reach me this evening and as expected I stayed incommunicado for a good part until Lil’ General alerted me to the ringing phone - the volume is so low that only his elephant ears can catch the signal. Later, I randomly checked my cell phone for missed calls I realized the urgency.

Indian Media is not far from aping the West in giving maximum coverage to useless breaking news such as AbhiAsh wedding over real news. More often than not none of the top stories qualify as news worth hearing or reading. Spat between Amitabh Bachchan and Shatrughan Sinha or the corrupt Indian Hockey Federation mulling over when KPS Gill will resign and where Saif and Kareena Kapoor were making out the previous night gets more coverage than 4 infant deaths in Tamil Nadu. he news channels can’t be blamed. The public is always hungry for more gossip, sensational news such as these that meaningful journalism takes a backseat.

Coming back to the vaccination tragedy, 4 infants died after being given Measles vaccine at a Government Health Center in Tamil Nadu. What an irony? The very thing that should protect a child from killer diseases takes its life. What if the parents had not given - ofcourse that’s not a wise idea as it would bring a major setback in the immunization program. What enrages me is the Health Ministry’s statement which in its defense says it was a trial order from a private Hyderabad based company. Since when did we start experimenting on 9 month old infants like Guinea Pigs? Is it way too much to expect people to be careful where lives of infants are involved? I can’t even fathom what must be going through the parents of those 4 children.

Meanwhile, the newsrooms of all the channels are busy discussing if the cheerleaders should be banned. I’m actually surprised that this hasn’t surfaced any sooner. Wonder if the moral police were partying enjoying Twenty-20 when it suddenly dawned upon one of them to stir this controversy for all that’s worth. How about banning item numbers for a change?

A new Notebook

Acer 5920Last Sunday, we got ourselves a new Acer 5920. Small enterprises are so much better than the large corporates in doing business. Less bureaucracy, less effort bargaining and good service make them a better choice. V ordered this late Saturday evening and it was home delivered by Sunday morning.

But I still can’t get over the old HP laptop that’s been with us through thick and thin for past 4 years. It made weird sounds, switched on only in a particular position - the art I never perfected, crashed, felt like a heater at times when the fans stopped working and a slight touch here or there caused it to shutdown - LG’s handiwork. He has sat on it, slapped it hard, dropped the battery a few times and pulled the wire cord hard on numerous occasions. I am surprised it survived this long and worked at the most critical of times when I had to turn in an assignment. We might get it repaired shortly once we get used to this new guy!

Turning thirty (plus one)

Sometime mid-February I reached a significant milestone of one’s life - turning Thirty. Today V turned 31. Has anything changed one might wonder? Little does - it wasn’t that big a deal as was made out in F.R.I.E.N.D.S - we didn’t have a mega mid-night party or crying episodes over the three decades lost with no life-partner in sight or even as close as to getting a (girl) boyfriend. One thing is sure - we are no longer officially the “bhaiya” and “didi” that kids often addressed us as. Age is not to blamed in entirety for this - it’s part age, part parenthood - looks right for kids to address us as uncle and aunty with a toddler in tow after all!

Thirty for us is comforting and less anxious than twenty was when one worried about graduating from college, landing in a decent job and what they call in India as standing on your own feet. Thirty is good - comes with less pressure, settled life and half dreams fulfilled. I always wanted to grow old. Kept counting the years when I wouldn’t have to goto college anymore right from the first year. Four years seemed long. Hated school, college and was so glad to pass out and never have to go back to any campus again. Funny how I always envied people who were older and worked not have to worry about exams…Now I am at that stage in life and it’s nice for once. Gosh! I am sounding like half -retired and 50 years old. See that’s what happens when life’s necessities get fulfilled early ( a home, a car, good vacations etc etc) - you have to work hard now to know what your next dream and ambition in life is.. Else at 40 I will sound like a 80 year old living a mediocre life not enthusiastic about anything. The mid-life crisis hasn’t hit me yet!

Anyways, the day was great with V getting wishes more than any other year. Thanks to Orkut - people no longer have to depend on their memory like I still do.

A second career

One of the country’s largest corporate houses - with whom I had been associated for a significant part of my career - ran a print ad a while ago. An internship program called the “TATA Second Career” was targeted at experienced women in Pune and Mumbai who had taken a break in their careers for whatever reasons. I missed this ad - yes, at times there are days in between when I don’t even glance at the paper. V who sights opportunities as these to boost my non-existential career persuaded me to apply. I did 3 times with different ids as advised after a lot of follow up with the TSC team - it’d be better not to comment any further on the online registration process. Anyways, they were very helpful over the phone and saw the registration process through.

I got the first screening call last afternoon. For once, I was not asleep, cell phone not in silent mode and neither was I cooking - which I usually do at that hour. With LG asleep, I was browsing the latest issue of Businessworld and was in a frame of mind to take calls. It would have been a total letdown to answer “what are your expectations?” with a apron on and stirring the gravy for dinner. The call was short and went well given the limited interaction I have with humans other than immediate family and grocers.

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A rocking weekend

The family got together this weekend. Mom who was already here for over a fortnight was joined by Dad early Friday morning. We generally hung around, ate good food, went shopping, walked around the neighborhood with LG while he invited attention from passers’ by and did what we do best at times - nothing!  The heat just got to us. It was  feeling like a furnace  and the entire day power cut just made it worse - unbearable actually.

Grand-parenting is a lot more enjoyable than parenting, so says mom. It is a responsibility-free phase of life where you get to enjoy everything the child does. When the child is your own, you are all the time worried about what to feed next, bath time, ensuring baby essentials are stocked up, cleaning the potty, readying clean clothes, sterilized bottles, getting the bag ready to go out, worried about baby proofing the house and what might be the next target - the list is endless, there is always something to do that you can never enjoy the moment. The more naughtier the grand-kids, more delight for the grad-parents. Every time LG climbed his way on top of the dining table to pull down a bottle of pickle or on to the sofa to unplug the mobile being charged, it put a smile on my mom’s face. Wonder if she would have been as happy thirty years back while we were kids. Growing up, I’d often heard how my naughty brother made mom cry as he never let her sleep in the afternoons and was constantly either breaking something or catching something creepy like a water snake. She says, seeing LG reminds her of those days. I’ve rarely seen her so happy. The two of them rock when they are together. LG enjoys her company equally that her absence is something he has not been able to come to terms with after they left this Tuesday. He can’t speak yet, can’t express himself like us but his actions say everything. His clinginess, his crankiness and the sorrow in his eyes shows how much he is missing her. It was funny to see how he played with Dad this time mistaking ta-ta for tha-tha. Every time anyone uttered the word “tha-tha” he would wave his hand as if to say bye-bye.

The party is over and it’s back to work now. On a unrelated note, a editor for a travel magazine wrote last week asking if I could do a 2000-word feature for their upcoming issue. I was all excited about it and the deadline wasn’t every tight either. The money was decent. I accepted and  then on second thoughts had to let it go. The unpredictable Internet connection, family visiting, frequent power cuts and a demanding LG made me think twice. These are just reasons I know but this is also the reality I live with now. If only I had pushed myself hard enough, this wouldn’t have been a lost opportunity.

Born in the U.S.A.

This post is in response to a comment by a regular reader on the article NRIs: In search of an identity.

The first thing that came to my mind when I saw the question “was being born in India any longer a disadvantage?” was this incident from early 2007. “Vidhi is traveling to U.S on January 20th with her husband”, my granny announced to no one in particular. Everyone around except me knew what was going on. Vidhi was a second cousin of mine who I hadn’t seen in years but heard was doing well. “But isn’t she pregnant?” I asked quite surprised as if pregnant women were forbidden from air travel. “Yes, she is and well into her 7th month” replied grandma matter of factly. Apparently, Vidhi’s husband got his H1 and was yet to be assigned on a project. They were well settled in Chennai and his parents lived with him. The couple’s move to US saw his parents uprooted from their unsafe independent bungalow to a safe apartment elsewhere in the city. The game plan of the couple was to stay over at Vidhi’s cousin’s place until the nature of his project became clear and so did the location. They spent over 40 days at various cousins’ place across East coast before moving to their designated location - a remote town in Georgia. And, the best bit is this - the couple managed her pregnancy and caring for the new born by themselves with help from a few friends the first week. This is a BIG deal for me. It takes a lot of courage to go through a pregnancy in an unknown land with no support system and family around. I know there are many in India who do it alone and in US too but they’ve either been around for a while or have thought it over.

I refrain from passing opinions on things as personal as this one. If life throws something unexpected at you and you have no choice and you come out brave as this couple, then I have all the praise in the world for them. To uproot your parents, lug around your pregnant wife to an unknown country and have no idea where you are going to be - all so your kid will be a natural U.S citizen - this to me is FOOLISHNESS. Seriously. I don’t come usually come out so strongly on anything. What if she had delivered premature because of the stress, what if there was an emergency - they weren’t even familiar with the medical system of the country? I wouldn’t blame just the husband in this - the wife has an equal part in this. The lure of everything U.S just fails me at times. Just so you now, the couple are back in India -the eight month experience has finally taken the sheen away from U.S. Instead of enjoying the newborn, there they were fighting their everyday out. I’ve said this time and again. Life gives us all choices. It’s the choice we make now that makes the life afterward.

This was just not a one off case. You’ll lose count of the people who wait to start a family until their H1 visa and assignment to the US does not come through. It would be unfair on my part to say that I never wanted to travel. Yes, I loved Chicago. Living downtown on Michigan Avenue. The Freedom. Shopping. Independence. Open air. Less people. Wider roads. Better infrastructure. A good life in all - that all of us dream of. But if you ask me, if I would have been ok to live there forever, I don’t think so. There are moments you just don’t feel at home however long you’ve stayed in a country. Words escape even the most conversant one in English - in moments of pain and anguish, what comes out of you is your mother tongue and the longing of company of one of your own. What good is a citizenship when by heart you are all Indian, hang out with the desis, still do the mental conversion in 1:40, flaunt cotton kurtis, tell every acquaintance that goes back to India to get you Lux soaps, agarbathis and Clinic All Clear shampoos and look for Patel shops to do grocery shopping? If you can’t shell out that extra dollar and consume the local brands what were you aspiring for by becoming a citizen?

For us Indians, Americans will always be one of “those” that we can never be. A by-product of British colonization is this awe for everything white - a prejudice so deep that will take years to go away. We all strive for a good life. I don’t blame the parents for this in entirety. They want a good life for themselves and the future generations. They wouldn’t want their kids to hold the blue passport that we do, not apply to universities the hard way like they did and not lose out on opportunities in the corporate ladder and be a code monkey all your life because you’re an Indian.

I’ve become an optimist - sometimes marriage does that to you. India is not as many of you would think. My parents don’t get me china from abroad anymore. Better brands adorn our crockery shelves purchased from the neighboring hypermarket. Get you size GAP jeans and Louis Vuitton bags at the mall next door. You know what a good life to me is - stay in India, visit your parents when you wish to, let them come over when they want to without being worried about the winter snow and holiday as a family at a place anywhere in the world. These are not just words to make you feel good. This is reality in India today. Public infrastructure is getting better. Give it time. By the time, our kids grow their cousins in U.S will want to app for universities in India. Take this from me.

I know a lot of you out there in the U.S read this blog. I hold nothing against you. It’s a choice you made. So this question is to all of you. What is one thing that makes you not want to come back to India?

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