A Blueprint For My Old Age

July 21, 2008 

I’m in my early thirties now; going by the increasing life expectancy rates and beating the odds of passing away in an eventuality or sickness, let’s say I (and V)  live on for another 30-40 years (too long a time!).  It’s too early to comment on when we would retire, which part of the world we would be in and where we would want to settle down. Often, talking about retirement the talk revolves around planning. Planning, primarily financial in nature, starts as early as when you are 28 years old these days though it started a few decades later for our parents’ generation owing to various reasons - parental obligations, supporting a larger family, building a house etc etc. Financial planning is a given in today’s times and most other lifelong dreams are met by the time one is 28 or 29 - a car, a house, foreign vacation - expand the list to your fancy.

I’ve spent the past two years on and off in the company of just retired or soon-to-retire people. On some levels, I am at par with them. It is difficult for children to understand what their retired parents go through on retiring - the lack of something to look forward to very morning, a sudden emptiness, the dwindling social circle isn’t all too apparent until one steps inside their shoes. It’s easy to say, ” I totally understand how you must be feeling staying home suddenly one morning after working for 35 years.” But as children, we don’t. Staying home after quitting my job, I do feel the frustration and imaginary vibes of not being important any more to others. The ten hours that our formerly working fathers spent at work is now compensated with getting up early every morning for a brisk walk, picking the choicest & cost-effective vegetables /grocery everyday, in some cases even chopping vegetables, cleaning the garden, dusting the house, paying bills and long hours at the temple. Oh, and the most important of all, taking to soap addiction on TV. A neighbor uncle who was with a PSU firm for three decades took up voluntary retirement; he was one who had never watched much TV all his life and had now become so addicted to soaps that he would plan his day around the serials. Socially inclined get involved in orphanages and other activities to help the needy and poor. In short, some men suddenly don the woman’s hat. The distinction in what a man and woman did in our father’s times was easy to identify with; of course it may no longer be relevant for our times. The others with stubborn manly instincts stick to doing nothing (read: gossip) and being cynical offering opinions on how dal should be cooked something that the wife has done all her life. When the daily grind gets to them, comes the longing to be with their children and grandchildren. For many, this is ruled out as I at times get the feeling a good part of my generation from the South is either in the US, Australia or UK as Mitra Kalita beautifully observed in the article Chennai : the emptiest nest. For others if the children stay in India, either they are not willing to have their parents over for ever or the parents return because boredom kills them in metros.

I am not taking sides here. I have no opinion to offer that children should take care of their aged parents or should not go to US to carve a careers for themselves while their parents spend lonely days back home deprived of the affection of their grandchildren.  It’s an individual choice; it’s their life and they are the best judges. But these last two years have taught me an important lesson - to decide what I ( and V) would like to do after retirement. In Indian society, the underlying problem (may not be the correct choice of word) is that it was a given parents would live with their son(s) in their old age. But it goes deeper than that. All their lives they’ve focused so much on parenting that their lives revolve around just one thing - kids. A well written editorial last week called “Parents for Sale” put it beautifully how the empty nest syndrome hits our parents once kids leave home.

The current generation of mine and the ones to follow is a confused-masala generation : a mix of places we travel and ape - western in outlook, Indian in beliefs. In the end, we just don’t know what we want and end up trying to satisfy all parties involved and feel guilty when not being able to. We, as a generation like live in the US but would like cheap nanny care from parents in India so we cart them every six months in turns; some even take pride in saying how they have an overlapping day when the parents and in-laws exchange their duties.  My point is if you have made up your mind to be Americans (I sincerely thought that was the intention when you applied for Green Card and Citizenship, no?)then give up the 1:42 conversion in your head and act like one. Encourage your parents to get a life of their own. Never too late to give it a start.

Anyways, I’m digressing. Just so I don’t feel so uprooted and displaced like our parents’ generation, here are some conscious things V and I would have to do today so that LG feels less claustrophobic tomorrow:

1. Get a life, get a hobby - Since we don’t pursue any other activity than our career all our lives, very little avenues open up on retirement; the easiest being religious visiting a temple two times a day. Nothing wrong with it. But it is very essential to be involved in what interests one (painting, dancing, biking) on weekends starting now. And, it’s not easy to find out what you like.  This I think is the most important of all - when you have a life of your own, it’s easy to make quality time for yourselves and your children.

2. Accept a empty nest will happen soon -  Our kids will leave homes earlier than we did. We might start living as a couple by the time they reach sixteen and fly off to whatever their calling is. Who knows, times may change that staying in the same city, they would live in a separate apartment.It’s not slashing the emotional bond, it’s just letting go. Clinging and forcing just doesn’t help. LG is only 19 months old; I’ll know what it means when he is twenty and I see him once a year.

….to be continued

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Comments

One Response to “A Blueprint For My Old Age”

  1. Vivek Nath on July 19th, 2008 10:05 am

    Love the title to start with ” Blueprint”.. talked like a true techie eh :))

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