Tamil Bride Hunt

May 13, 2008 

Article written for a magazine —

A new breed of marriageable age women are fast emerging - the highly professional and career oriented ones who reject offers from the IBAE (Indian Born America Employed) grooms for fear of relocation and losing their independence and jobs.

Ajay Gopalakrishnan, 27, a Software Engineer working in Ohio, U.S for a health insurance firm was on a month long vacation to India in the winter of ’07. Most of his friends in India were either married or engaged, so his mother broached the topic of his marriage as he had crossed the marriageable age of 26; Ajay officially consented to a bride search after delaying it for months. His mother was on cloud nine and wasted no time in starting the bride hunt; she was on fast-track hearing wedding bells already and planning where to have the engagement. Her biggest assumption: that it wouldn’t take more than three months in finding a daughter (in-law) what with the numerous wedding fairs and matrimonial sites mushrooming like India’s satellite townships.

Arranged marriages in South India are an elaborate affair governed by unwritten rules with a lot of factors thrown in – education, age difference, family reputation/occupation, place of origin, caste, sub-caste, sub-sub-caste, gothram, horror-scopes (sorry, horoscopes), photographs and the list goes on. Throw in some more with present day technology that generates matches based on photogenic compatibility, expectations etc. The conventional rules of this age old tradition are being re-written; while South Indian men propose, women dispose as Ajay’s mother’s experiences are echoed by hundred others.

Swetha Natarajan, 24, a post graduate in Economics from the Madras School of Economics works as an analyst with a Financial Services Firm in Hyderabad. Ajay’s mom came across her profile in a prominent Tamil Brahmin wedding portal www.saisankara.com and approached Swetha’s mother who wasted no time in declining under the pretext that they were looking for boys working in India only or one who was willing to relocate to Hyderabad after marriage.

The conversation lasted 30 seconds.

Lakshmi Viswanathan, 26, holds a Masters in Financial Management; she is employed with a world renowned accounting firm at Chennai and is the only child to her parents. Their demands were not out-of-the-ordinary again. Objecting to Ajay’s parents visiting for more than a couple of days once married, Lakshmi’s mother stated upfront that they would like to stay with their daughter forever, hence the location preference of Chennai. Interestingly, she was fine with the age difference of 10 months between Lakshmi and Ajay.

Prathiba Subramaniam, 24, an Engineering graduate was stereotypical in education but not in profession - she did not belong to the IT rat race. Having got into a Central Government position, Pratibha expected her future husband to find a job in the 4 cities where she was likely to be posted – Vijayawada, Vellore, Durgapur or Bilaspur.

Why India Born America Employed grooms have acquired the “not-wanted” status

After tens of conversations (no exaggeration) such as the one with Swetha’s mother, Ajay’s mother has learnt her lesson and begins by asking if they are fine with a US based groom. On one occasion when being denied, she gave into her curiosity wanting to know why they did not prefer a US based groom. Pat came the reply. “We don’t want our daughter to give up her career. We’ve spent so much (down to the last rupee) on her education. And, we can never be sure of the boy’s character.” When Ajay’s mother persisted with a “What if the groom has to travel after wedding if his job demands, what then?“ for which the response was, “That’s up to them to decide.”

Whatever the reasons cited, the verdict is out. After decades of having parents whose life-time dream was to have their daughters married off to a US based boy, times have changed now. US is no longer a preferred a destination and India Born America Employed (IBAE) – the fast growing species is an unwanted one on the marriage market.

Green card aspirations

There is the other side to IBAE story too. Parents of girls’ who already have their son working in US are familiar with the nuances and are not as hesitant. Divya Swaminathan, 25, an IT professional on a project for 3 months in Minnesota, US had other aspirations. Her mother perceived it was too lowly to be an on L1 visa. She was looking for a groom with a green card or H1 visa who was willing to sponsor her daughter’s post graduate education.

A decision that is to be made by the couple is being brokered by parents these days as if M&A deals are cut. And then we fill the front page of newspapers reporting high divorce rates citing the primary reason as parent’s interference. With high disposable incomes in India, how are they so sure of the boy’s character here? For the parents of these prospective brides, horoscope matching comes last in the list of priorities – a shift in the traditional mindset of South Indian families; what matters most is the location of to-be-groom.

Unlike the 70’s, parents’ are extremely supportive of girl’s choices and are in no hurry to get them married off. Some openly admit to the additional income which is often more than what the father earns. They are going to extreme lengths to reject offers such as citing the to-be-groom is thin or wheatish in complexion. Looks and age do not matter as much as career. It’s a catch 22 situation – the family is obligated to start searching for a groom under pressure from relatives while the truth is they are willing to wait another year or two.

Impact on marriageable age

A year later, the bride hunt still continues for Ajay. The numbers and effort is mind-boggling – over 1000 profiles viewed in a popular wedding portal www.tamilmatrimony.com, 3 consecutive weekly ads in The Hindu’s Sunday Matrimonial column evoked 70 responses, and expressing interest through other avenues such as monthly journals listing profiles of girls and boys lead to another 100 prospective girls.

Ajay hails from a respectable upper-middle class family (oh! don’t even get started on the definition of these class prejudices) with no family obligations whatsoever. There are hundreds like Ajay whose marriage is getting delayed. This has caused desperation among a few eligible bachelors I know who are taking the lead in finding a girl for themselves through online dating and signing up in matrimonial forums and sifting through hundreds of profiles tirelessly taking the focus away from other conventional factors such as horoscope compatibility. The “single and ready to mingle” status doesn’t sound cheesy on their 30th birthday and sends a shiver through their spines for the probability of being considered by girls’ reduces drastically. The mismatch in expectations has, no doubt, pushed the age at which women get married too.

The focus has shifted. It is the grooms’ parents who are increasingly under pressure to find a girl now and the skewed sex ratio, US visa hassles and work permits isn’t helping this ambitious generation. To make this a win-win situation requires openness and flexibility from both the sides to lead a happy married life that is not based on terms and conditions. For now, the search continues….

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Filed Under Matrimony

Comments

4 Responses to “Tamil Bride Hunt”

  1. Narayanan Srinivasan on May 29th, 2008 12:03 pm

    Dear Sir,
    After having read thoroughly, the above plight of AJAYS, I would like to state that still
    MARRIAGES ARE MADE IN HEAVEN. NO DOUBT. People say
    otherwise. It is all RUBBISH. The same people who
    support modern outlook in engaging sophisticated
    methods get bogged down once their effort in uniting the newly wed goes collapsing suddenly with no fault or reason to behold. Very very sorry state of affiars going on in our community. Not only so, but in every sphere of boasting activities shun the responsibility of the responsible elders throwing into the DUST BIN all
    protected,safeguarded and conventional traditions, only for FOOLS’ PARADISE.

    NOTHING MORE OR NOTHING LESS

  2. v.srinivasan on July 7th, 2008 12:49 pm

    Need to be changed this PHENOMENON.

    PARENTS have to take UPPERHAND in deciding the

    marriage of their children.

    THINK GLOBALLY AND ACT LOCALLY - should be the key.

    Avoid controversies. Better straightforwardness will be your AIM.

    Never allow GIRLS to cross LAKSHMAN REKHA.

    HOPE THESE COMMENTS WILL SUFFICE.

  3. Lakshmi on July 7th, 2008 3:27 pm

    Srinivasan,

    Honestly I didn’t get the gist of what you tried to convey!

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