Why can’t I be a mom and not work ?

I’m a self proclaimed recluse now - incommunicado with most of my friends, former acquaintances. I am just tired of answering the question, “Where do you work?” which is immediately followed by “Why am I not working?” The already small social circle is diminishing at an alarming rate now.

Just so we can set the record straight I’m very much employable and in the job market, much more than most of you who have posed this question to me. I am not trying to be rude here while stating this but just getting the facts right.

So, why does this kind of conversation get on my nerves? Times have changed and I’d rather not compare our parent’s generations with that of ours. On the lighter side, being an Aquarean means there is some part of insanity built in. On a serious note, it takes me down the depression trajectory. I’m not looking for sympathy because there is no sacrifice being done here, so please don’t make me a martyr. I did not trade my career for Lil General.

If people cannot come to terms with the fact even after 9 months that I am a mom and will be home (or as the fancy jargon goes for people like me stay-at-home moms) taking care of Lil General and feel bad for my situation every time I talk to them, then I’d rather keep away from such company.

For us there was never a if-else-if or choices in raising Lil General. After I conceived, we never discussed as to which parent would come over or if we would hire a full time nanny to take care of the kid. This debate never happened - amongst us or with rest of the family. It was a given that I would quit and stay home - not a forced one but something that I was more than willing to. Find some sanity for a while away from the rat race.

I have never experienced this before so I am not going to make it sound like this is all hunky-dory. Life has changed dramatically, more than anyone can take. Its a huge change from being busy for 7 years to staying home for starters. And to add to it, doing household chores from the crack of dawn until the half the world goes to sleep. Midnight feeds and changing diapers feels good initially but MONOTONY creeps in sooner than later. There are days that don’t begin because the previous one never ended. And ones that never end. There are phone calls I miss, birthdays I forget, days when I don’t look in the mirror and some that goes by without talking to anyone apart from V. And afternoons when I feel like resting my bones, LG is hyperactive playing merry go round around the bed that I can’t catch a wink. And the BIG FAT pay package gone. Who said it was an easy ride? It would be inhuman if I just switched roles from a career woman to one like an experienced nanny overnight. Once a decision taken, I’d rather not weigh in my options in every conversation. But whats important is that I’m ok with all of this. This hard work doesn’t earn me a penny but it gives me that million-dollar smile.

Call me foolish, call me outdated, call me whatever you would like but spare me the routine of asking that same damn question over and over again as to why I am at home taking care of Lil General. Parenting does not seem like a lucrative career option. And lets not forget the social standing among the corporate friends where you are judged by the double income.

Why am I doing this?

Family matters. Period. A great deal of time and energy is lost when both couples work. “Send your child to the best day care and he will send you to the best old age home in town”, i read somewhere. I am not looking for LG to take care of us in our old age - this is not a deal.
I’m too possessive and protective to let him grow at the hands of anyone else for now.

Maybe I will go back to work when I feel he has grown enough and I feel comfortable. Maybe not. until then please don’t make it sound like parenting was too lowly a job to have traded my career for.

How life has changed ..all in a day’s work

Life has changed so much in the past 5 months that it is hard to believe that I am the same person. This list is just to show the Lil General how he always kept me on the move.

Lil General is all of 70 cms but he keeps me on my toes all day. 2 grown-ups are not enough to handle this 5 month old kid.

“Let’s eat out” has given way to “What’s for dinner?” at home.

Then, I used to look at the cellphone every morning to see what time it is. If it was 7:00 a.m., it always meant I could be a slacker and tug in for another 10 more minutes. Now I rush to the bathroom at 6:15 a.m. and get stuff ready for him before he wakes up.

Then, I used to be an obsessive sleeper - going to bed by 10:00 p.m. come what may and turning the world upside down and letting everyone know if I didn’t sleep well one night. Now, I can hardly remember the last time I slept uninterrupted for over 3 hours. Midnight feeds , diaper changing at 3:00 a.m. is part of the deal.

Talking about having your own space, I see he has taken half of my closet space and I would be lucky if I get about a feet in width on the bed to sleep through the night.

Then, mornings would start until I had a hot cup of tea with the newspaper in my hand. Now mornings end with a hot cup of tea. And some lucky days end with catching up the news.

On the brighter side, we would get tired of watching the idiot box on weekends and work nights. Now I can’t remember the last time I switched on the TV. There is a 24*7 live entertainment channel at home, courtesy LG.

We indulged in retail therapy then and do so now. What has changed is for whom we buy. We go out to get something for us and end up buying stuff for him.

If there’s one thing that has changed immensely, then it is my patience levels. Believe me, if nothing else, motherhood teaches you patience. Potty on one side, doorbell ringing, husband on a call, telephone ringing, mom on chat, vegetable burning on the stove and much more..I have learnt to handle all of this simultaneously without losing my cool. Of course, there are days when I get mad at everyone but everyone is entitled to a bad day, aren’t they?

We don’t eat when we are hungry. We eat when he is asleep or at least I do so.

Then, laundry could wait if we didn’t feel up to it. Now, laundry can’t wait and has to be done 2 times a day.

There is no room for laziness. His hunger can’t wait. There are no Sundays and holidays. Every day is a Monday for me. No room for blues.

Then, our parents wouldn’t call everyday. Now, they want to view their grandson on webcam everyday.

Then, we wouldn’t know who our neighbours were. Now, boundaries diminish and neighbours come calling at all odd times to see the little one.

Then, domestic help took advantage because it was just us. Now, they are all the more sincere towards their work.

Then, I hardly had any woman friends. And I was pathetic at making small talk. Not that it has improved drastically but I’m doing a better job now in conversing with other women.

Bathing the baby, laundry, preparing his formula umpteen times, cooking for the family, comforting the baby to sleep, eating, entertaining guests, shopping, blogging , answering calls and more laundry..its all in a day’s work now. Life can’t get busier than this. Who said Parenting was easy? I wonder how working moms manage the show.

Finally, on a totally unrelated note : I loved this sentence I read on some one’s blog …We are committed to this roller coaster ride that is marriage. I just really prefer the peaks to the valleys.

Child rearing : Are grand parents being misused?

This is too sensitive a topic that might actually put off a few of my friends / acquaintances. But a topic so close to my heart that I’ve been itching to write ever since Lil General was conceived and born. The opinions expressed here are mine and the conversations that I’ve had a with a few wise and elderly people. If you do not subscribe to them, then so be it.

Last week on a brief transit at Bangalore en route Pune, we stayed over at a relatives’. After exchanging pleasantries, the uncle asked me, “So who is coming over to take care of the kid - your parents or his?”. It was 6:30 a.m. and needless to say I was startled at the question but one that I had got used to replying without thinking. Vivek was not a party to this conversation but our thoughts on the issue are the same. Below is an excerpt of our conversation that provoked this post:

Me : No one.

Uncle : “You are not returning to work after 6 months?”

Me: “No. I have resigned and am going to stay home and look after the baby.”

Uncle :” A good decision. Its difficult to believe it though. What about Vivek’s/your parents? Aren’t they coming over to look after the kid?”

Me: Re-emphasising my point, I said, “Yes and No. Yes, they are coming over but only visiting us to spend some good time with their first grand-child. Not to take care of him. I want both set of parents to enjoy their retirement and old age doing things that they have always wanted to. If it is religion calling at this age, then let them visit temples. Or just go around see places. They have missed out on so much to rear us. Things were not the same then as they are now and who knows it better than your generation. Today, Lil General traveled by second a/c that will be followed by a flight travel in a little while from now. All this while he is just 4 months old. Not a big deal for the kids of today. But it was a dream come true for most people in your generation and not something affordable back then. Our parents raised us working hard, very hard making sacrifices and giving up on the luxurious life just so we could get good education. Now when they can afford all the luxuries of life, we want them to enjoy all the pleasures and not be bound to raise a child all over again so that I can pursue my career.”

Uncle : “I am very happy to hear that and if job is not a necessity then it is our advice that you don’t. When I say this to people, I am branded as outdated and a old
man.”

He continues as an after thought and the conversation goes on for an hour.

Uncle : “I am pained by what I see around me. A niece of mine has called over her grandmother aging over 75 to take care of her kid while she goes to work. The grandpa is very much alive and in Chennai while the granny is here at Bangalore. Grandpa’s food is a problem and they can’t get him over here for the expense would shoot up. So many such instances ..I told my kids that expanding their family will be their own decision and do not expect us to come and take care of your kids.If you can financially afford it and logistically manage it, then please do so. Kids misuse us. They think if we don’t work and are over 60, its the end of life. It is no longer my need to stay with aunty. I would like to go for a evening walk or to a temple with her. Yet another niece of mine left her kid for 6 months to travel to Us with her husband. I cannot understand this.”

After Lil General was born, people often asked me one question, “When are you going back to work?” Now either they didn’t take me seriously when I said I have resigned and am going to be a stay-at-home-mom taking care of Lil General or they thought I was being foolish and emotional who would would eventually change her mind. This is natural in today’s times,isn’t it? which is me going back to work within 6 months.

When the status quo changes from “Double Income No Kids” to Single Kid, people very much like to keep the “Double Income” part of the proposition intact. There is nothing wrong if the mom decides to pursue her career after a kid. What I can’t understand is the idea of a parent coming over to take care of your kid while you goto work. This is not stuff that Hindi movies are made of but one that you see so widely prevalent in today’s metros,U.S in the high income IT households. Maybe I live in the ancient ages, but these were our thoughts :

We would have been utterly selfish to separate mom from dad or grandpa from granny to have one of them move in with us. I went through hell for the 6 months because I couldn’t bare the thought of my mother staying away from dad for my delivery and urged her to return despite Lil General’s health. But parents love is unconditional and in emergencies it knows no bounds. Isn’t expecting them to come away from their own home and their comfort zone to stay with you asking for too much?
It was our decision to conceive a child. So it was our responsibility to have worked out the financial aspects before doing so. And logistics. Parents never say no and one might think they will be happy to raise their grandchild but thats taking undue advantage.
Have you ever wondered that they would have to think twice to go on a month’s vacation if they take up this responsibility. So much has to be sacrificed - relatives’ weddings, funerals ….or that festival that they always wanted to attend but couldn’t all these years because it was either their kids’ exams or no leave from office.
If I find it difficult at 29, to run after Lil General and make his formula umpteen times a day, how can I expect my parents to be running around after him all through the day. They are only growing older.
How can I expect my dad/father-in-law to clean my son’s potty?
People who know me would also know how restless a creature I am. But that doesn’t mean to satisfy my whims and fancies I can shirk from my duty. Can I? If at all I decide to go back to work for whatever reasons, I would have to get a domestic help and not look towards my parents/in-laws for everything. Emergency is different.

Agreed, there are instances where there is a dire financial need. But I know so many of them where they skip a domestic help because mom/mom-in-law has agreed to come over.

With disposable incomes increasing, is there no end to our greed?
Is there no end to our wants?

As Indians, we are quick to adapt everything western. Then why not this trait. How many American’s have you seen where in grandparents stay for months on end to rear their grand children?

Is it always “I, US”? Is it our boredom that matters above parent’s happiness and freedom.

Does 50 years and above mean end to life? If you were 50, would you do this?

As we go global, has our thinking gone so local?

After retirement is one of the best times in a person’s life. Free from his duties of getting daughter married or son educated, parents feel relieved. So lets not bound them by our timetable. Let us give them the freedom of when and how they want to visit us and how long they want to stay with us. If we can’t give them happiness, then lets atleast try and not make them sad.

I would like to hear your side of the story.

Updated: Glad to have discovered this link Granny or Nanny

Choosing a name for the baby

You might ask “What’s in a name?”. I’m glad that nature mandates a nine month period to have a baby as it can take longer to choose a name that satisfies everyone’s whims and fancies. Else “100 baby names” wouldn’t be in the top 100 Google Search terms.

Experienced new parents and family have for months posed this question to Vivek and I, “Have you decided a name yet?” We kept replying, “What’s the hurry? There is still time.” The reality was I had loads of other things to take care of like nausea, indigestion, heartburn, breathlessness to name a few and “name” did not figure high on the priority. With a lot of time now, I have taken up this “project” and what did not seem a hair splitting problem then is definitely one now.

I will let you in on a little secret. The truth is we had settled for the name “Akshat” which happened by accident. Way back in March, Vivek was handed his Medical Insurance card along with those of his dependents. He had only one dependent then (myself) but was handed over 2 cards - one for Lakshmi Nagarajan and the other for his ’so-called’ son - ‘Akshat Jain’ …yea yea I wouldn’t go into the blunders insurance companies make. Anyway, we had a hearty laugh and later when LG was on the way, we thought why not “Akshat”. If it is a girl, add a “a” and it becomes “Akshata” - how convenient. This is what I like about Indian names. “Vijay” becomes “Vijaya”.

Apparently, no one likes the name “Akshat” in family, so here after a week’s brainwork and deciding I’m not creative enough, I’m asking you all to send in suggestions for LG for a girl and a boy. A good friend, SK made my job easier by formulating some ground rules and here they are —
Read more

It must not be too common a name: like ‘Amit’. Your id deserves individuality and there is a sea of names to choose from.
It must not be a name that your kid would curse you for: This is complementary to rule 1> above. (‘Khug’ tops our hit list here.)
Not too difficult to pronounce, a Indian name that is not too Americanized. No ‘ksh’. ‘Lakshmi’ always becomes ‘Lashhhhmi’
It must not be too long: He/she will have a lot of forms to type/write out in his/her life. Please spare the kid the trouble.
It should be a name that can be naturally (phonetically-speaking) abbreviated: (‘Adi’ instead of ‘Aditya’, for instance). Since you will be screaming after your kid all the way to his/her adult life, the abbreviated name comes in handy. Else, you will have to cook up some other pet name like ‘Pappu’, ‘Bunty’, ‘Happy’…
It must have a nice and uncomplicated meaning to it: If one has to explain the meaning of the name to someone (Indian or otherwise), one shouldn’t have to begin narrating a mythological tale that lasts a fortnight.
It should not be from Maneka Gandhi’s ‘Book of Hindu Names’: Why? Refer to point 6> above.
It must not be a composite name, formed by performing complex String operations on the names of the parents: (‘Raveena’ = Ravi + Veena; Siya = Seema + Ashish). Again, your kid deserves individuality.
It should not be a name that has an almost patented regional overtone: [‘Miral’ / ‘Hetal’: patently Gujarati; ‘Mrinmayee’: patently Maharashtrian; ‘Vaijayanthi’: patently Tamil; ‘Asamanya’ / ‘Bibhuti’: patently Bengali/Orissi], although some such names do sound really nice and exotic, if you ask me.
It should not be a name that’s already in the family: Individuality again.(You have already decided on this; so, that’s good.)
It should not be a name that sounds as if you are trying to clear your throat.