On being a stay-at-home mom aka housewife

March 4, 2008

It was 9:05 p.m. Sunday night. We’d just returned home after looking at a few apartments in the city and I was done feeding Lil’ General his dinner when the phone rang. It was my brother - he asked me the usual question - what I was doing. I told him I’d go to the supermarket down the road to pick up vegetables for the week. “You’re a housewife!”, he exclaimed as if it was a discovery worth going down in Record Books and anyways, didn’t working women shop groceries? He does this to me every time he calls. Doesn’t irritate me; I just have a good laugh but I’ve to admit that the term does sound strange; can’t blame him, for whenever he calls I’m either cooking lunch or stuffing lunch box with salad or doing the laundry or feeding LG. We don’t discuss work, office-gossip (I used to work for the same organization as my brother does) or why I hate .NET anymore.Thank God for that! I mean seriously.

Giving up the full-time job I held for seven years was MY decision, no one ever asked me to; I’ve written about this before as to how I planned on quitting even if LG was not coming anytime soon. But I never had the courage to. It was only in my 7th month of pregnancy that I mustered the courage to give it up. In my opinion it takes more guts to give up everything , not get a fat paycheck home every month and become a dependent than balance work and home with a kid!

When my son grows up I wouldn’t hold it against him for having sacrificed my career to bring him up - that’s not the truth however convenient it may sound for an answer as to why I gave it up. But, that’s how the world sees it and empathizes with me for the SACRIFICE. Oh yes, in India career comes first. You ought to be nuts not to hire a full-time maid to take care of your child or have your aging in-laws/parents over to baby sit while you steadily climb the career graph.

I’m being outright honest here in admitting that this transition hasn’t been easy. The lack of social circle, a toddler for company all day and missing out on things I once used to love doing do frustrate me. It just gets worse on days when there is a power cut or the damn BSNL doesn’t work for a week and I feel guilty reading a novel at 11:00 a.m. when I’d rather be working. Over the past few days, we’ve considered hiring some help to take care of LG for a couple of hours during the day when I can focus on trading/investing and getting some assignments out of my way - something that would give me a mental break and help spend quality time with the growing toddler instead of getting angry with him when he spills over something or does what comes naturally. But, I’m scared at the thought of he spending time with someone I don’t know. A lady I knew for years who is also my house help, once slapped him right in front of me. That incident shocked me. Scary stories from fellow mommy bloggers/working mothers such as Maid in Mumbai and Is there a maid for me? have put me off.

I’m sure there must a pressing reason why these women continue to work when managing the logistics everyday is a nightmare. I can understand when it is for financial independence, extra money or otherwise - mental stimulation, confidence etc..(on second thoughts..) I read somewhere find the best daycare for your baby and he’ll ensure you the best old age home. V says, ” We all strive for a child with Indian values with a Western Lifestyle. You can’t have the cake and eat too. Don’t be shocked if your child walks out at 16 as we were never around in his growing up years.” (not pointed at me) I’ve always wondered why women goto such extreme lengths as to look for a part-time job or work-from-home jobs that aren’t stimulating in anyway. Come’on let’s be realistic here - they don’t pay as much nor are you rocketing on the career graph! So, why do it? Certain things are better acknowledged and left unsaid. I don’t know what their reasons are but I guess is marriages are no more sacrosanct…I hate to quote Times’ divorce rates but yes, they are happening in our social circles too. If nothing else, by continuing to work, these women are ensuring they stay employable and in touch. Who would want a person back on the market with a 3 year break! That’s one - financial independence. Secondly, it wouldn’t help anyone to have a depressing wife/mother at home. An unhappy nagging wife is the last thing you want. She may spent quantity time at home but not a quality one.

What I like about us is this is something we both consicouly got ino. So, there no hard feelings. Only acknowledgment and appreciation. V acknowledges that he goes outside to work while put in an equal effort at home - the results may not be tangible but we strive to have a happy home all of us would like to come back to. I’d like to have a career too - not a 8-7 run-of-the-mill job. At this juncture, a job is easy because it will ensure a good check every month but not what I’d be happy doing. To begin a career from scratch in the comforts of home only sounds nice! I’ve had meager earnings in freelancing and decent returns in trading this past year but nothing that would remotely match what I earned when I last worked. That’s a dampener on my confidence. Whenever V asks me what I’d like to do, I have no answer. The only thing I knew - IT - I gave up. What next….

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Comments

4 Responses to “On being a stay-at-home mom aka housewife”

Rhea on March 5th, 2008 10:27 am

Lakshmi:
Totally agree with you on that it takes more guts to give up everything to look after your child and become a housewife than balance work and home with a kid.
From a very practical/materialistic perspective, it sure is a tough decision to give up that assured fat cheque coming in every month which definitely supplements the household expenditures especially if you have committed car/home loan repayments.
But at least 3 years spent bringing up the child closely, yourself, with that personal touch in every small thing is worth giving up more lavish expenditures to accomodate the extra expenses..undoubtedly. A lot of Double income parents havig full time maids to baby sit would never realize what they miss..alas!
But would-be parents need to plan much in advance for that, as in your case, which really needs tremendous clarity and agreement between the couple.Hats off to you!
I am at a similar stage in my life and I do want to be with the little one every second for the initial 3 years.Wish me luck and share the mantra!
lakshminl on March 6th, 2008 5:58 am

Well said, Rhea Congratulations and good luck with your pregnancy or have you delivered already ?

- Lakshmi
the mad momma on April 7th, 2008 10:28 am

hah. i agree. i dont know why i waste time on shit work that gets me nowhere on the career front and makes me cranky.
MDavis on April 25th, 2008 1:25 pm

I am not sure that I can completely understand your comments. Would you be so kind as to expand on your reasoning a little more before I comment.