The second child debate

June 17, 2008

I don’t know how to begin this one. It’s best to start with the obvious - before you run images in your head of a pregnant-again me or LG getting a sibling for company , let me put your doubts to rest. Not so soon, at least not yet.

A friend recently announced that a second baby is on its way later this year. As a first time parent, I can now appreciate what a second child means - to the first child, to the parents and in general to the family as a whole. Before we became parents, I recall my reaction when my neighbor announced she was expecting a second one. My reaction was far from understanding of anyone who wanted a second child - more often the reasoning being why such educated people care so less about the society in general and are so selfish giving so little thought about contributing to the already billion+ population. I would reason in my head what if every one of us reproduced two which by the way comes easily to Indians - not that Indians have more sex than the rest of the world (statistics say). The decision to have or not to have is something personal that requires no discussion from anyone not involved, much less an unwarranted opinion. This is India - a democracy for Pete’s sake not China where you will be put behind bars for not exercising control. People who thought like me were often congratulatory of desis reproducing more than one because those developed countries need a younger population decades later and don’t want the birth rate to come down any further - the desis are happy to do their bit even if the motive is personal. And the same very people would criticize and question when the folks went in for more in India.

This is a favorite topic in the mommy blogosphere where tons of posts are written citing their reasons for expanding the family that range anywhere from company for the older sibling after the parents pass away to we didn’t plan, so what - it’s our choice - you take a hike! Those who plan debate over the issue endlessly before taking the plunge. In many cases, those who choose not to go ahead are usually because the first pregnancy was a very difficult one right from conception tho delivery and the trauma so much so that they are not mentally prepared to go down the same path a second time. Sometimes career and financial reasons too come into consideration. I doubt if there is any parent who doesn’t care for a second one because the first one was too naughty to handle.

We haven’t come to that phase of life to so much as discussing a second one. There are times when it seems like LG getting a sibling sounds like a cool idea. Not so cool when I think of the moments when a jug of water is poured down the floors of the just-mopped drawing room or a mouthful of wet sand from the pot in the balcony or my beautiful broken vase splattered all over the rug. It is draining physically and mentally. But they say it is easy the second time round. LG’s park friend’s mom once said, “your first child never grows up until the second one arrives. then both of them grow together and fast enough.” I doubt if my mother would agree to this one

I share a very healthy relationship with my brother. If there’s one thing that would ever make me consider second one, it has to be because of this relationship with my brother - which I hope LG will cherish as a lifelong gift to him. The days I am down and out, all it takes is to pick up the phone and call him not worrying about what hour of the day it is considering he lives timezones away. Buried deep in household chores, I’ve lost count of the calls I miss from him but that doesn’t stop him from calling or taking offense. This is not calling “taking for granted” or taking liberties. It is being yourself and not having to explain. Running out of topics to talk on is hard to come by - there’s always something even if it was those stupid ghar-ghar games we played on Sunday afternoons when we were kids or how many times we got spanked by dad for throwing balls in the toilet. They say true friends fit this description. True, but only to an extent.

V is a single child who has never played games like Chinese Checker or Chess that require more than one player. Most of the games he is fond of to this day are outdoorish like soccer that they played at school. A single child grows mature too soon for his age. Childhood leaves them soon enough. On the other end of spectrum is the case of my mother who was born with nine siblings. That must’ve been a riot at home every day. It was - I’ve seen it. They’ve grown too old now and too apart for whatever reasons. But it was fun when it lasted. Most importantly, they stood by each other when it mattered the most - through the ups and downs of each other.

I have all these examples laid out before me. It wouldn’t be tough to decide which way to take when the time arrives. Until, then it’s Lil’ General who rules our lives.